iWank

It's in the BOF's nature to welcome new technology rather than dissing it. When Apple announced the iPad he was initially onside but soon started to wonder what it was for.

He now knows. It's for subterfuge. WAGs have long known that text messages are a man's worst friend. They sit in a phone, and the phone often sits away from its master because it is small and easy to forget for a moment. That would be the moment that the wife or girlfriend, the WOG, picks it up and expertly scans the contents. Computers (desk or laptop) are too cumbersome for secrecy. Nobody can hide an attempt to keep WOGs away from them.

The iPad is different. In its little rubber case (SO bdsm!)it sits stylishly in the crook of a man's hand as he meanders around the home. She loves it because, frankly, your average Ashley is anything but stylish, and a WOG loves stylishness. Ashley can carry his filthy cargo with impunity because it's disguised as a pointless man-toy.

The iPad is a philandery enabler. The size and resolution of its screen makes those sordid phone movies into real porn and that makes the iPad the ultimate wank-companion. Ashley ain't gonna leave that one lying around.

Sepptic wank

The absurdity (and BOF thinks it's beyond ironic) is that all the replays in world cup coverage are topped and tailed with the FIFA logo.  These are the replays which show the need for football hawkeye, the replays which are inevitably more far-seeing than the officials on the field, the replays which simultaneously demonstrate the fallibility of human referees and FIFA corruption. The criminal Blatter's complacent apology is a shoddy attempt to disguise the real reason for the lack of technological aids: FIFA generally and Blatter in particular have no financial involvement in the technology. We hear that Blatter is allegedly involved with a competing, inferior, technology, one that he hopes might come good so that he can make personal profit from inevitable progress.

Watching the fat skunk's face as he attends matches in South Africa, the BOF is convinced that dollar signs flash in his eyes every time the vuvuzelas crescendo. Remember, the reason he's been so anodyne in his remarks about the plastic tubes is that FIFA sell them for $8 a horn. The BOF alleges that Blatter himself pockets a percentage of that, but we can't be sure...actually, we can be sure if we look at his history.

All the pundits hate him, yet they seem to be frightened of naming him when they splutter about FIFA's ineptitude. It would be a positive and progressive outcome if this summer's world cup ended with Blatter being exposed as the money-grabbing egotist that he really is. Sadly, he won't be. More likely is that he'll orchestrate a chorus of approval for his "fair-mindedness" when he allows a little technology in after the "enquiry".

The BOF would be happy to save FIFA a significant sum of money by writing the report without the aid of a "committee".  But that won't happen either, because Sepptic will have already promised seats to those who have lined his pocket.

Balls

The BOF has been awakened by an insult alarm. He understands that the most statistically extraordinary tennis match that is ever likely to happen anywhere, ever, has just taken place, at Wimbledon.  He also understands that the Wimbledon committee of decision has decided to present the players (and umpire) with some "mementos" for this achievement.

The illustrious choice as the presenter? Tim "failure" Henman! Sitting not 10 metres away was John "The Greatest Ever" McEnroe.

British up-my-own-arse parochialism strikes again. strikes again. strikes again. strikes again. strikes again. strikes again. strikes again. strikes again. strikes again. strikes again. strikes again.